Yesterday I went to the polling place in my hometown of Blairsville Pa where I'm still registered to vote. It was The Chestnut Hills Civic Center and I walked towards the glass doors. I went in past two guys shooting pool and headed towards the back. I stepped into the voting room where behind a folding table sat Edna Labumpski, a woman from my high school class.
I walked up to her table.
"Edna!" I said.
Edna looked up and smiled. "Well, well, if it isn't The World Greatest Psychic. Long time no see, Alex. How are you?"
"I'm doing great, Edna. How about you?"
"Good. Here to vote, I see."
"You bet."
"May I see some identification?"
I reached around to my back pocket, pulled out my wallet and took out my debit card. I showed it too her. "It's got my name on it," I said.
Edna frowned. "Sorry Alex, but that's not a valid ID. You could have stolen it. Do you have something else?"
"We went to high school together."
"I know but I don't make the rules. I have to ask for ID but you don't have to show me one if you don't want to if that make any sense."
"Perfect sense. I'm all for honest elections."
"Good. So how about a driver's license?"
"I rode in on a mule." I put my debit card back into the wallet and took out my Giant Eagle Advantage card. I showed that to Edna.
"Sorry. That doesn't even have your name on it. Besides you could have stolen that too."
Miffed I put the Advantage card away. After returning the wallet to my back pocket I reached into my coat's inner pocket and took out the lease to my apartment and unfolded it. The document was signed at the bottom and I held it infront of her.
"My signature is on it," I said.
"That's good. And now all I have to do is confirm that signature is yours. May I see some identification?"
"Okay, let's try this," I said. I put my lease back inside my coat pocket and again reached back for my wallet. I opened it, took out a baby picture of me on a fuzzy rug and held the picture to the side of my face. "What do you think?"
"You carry a baby picture of yourself?" said Edna.
"Wouldn't carry a picture of myself if it wasn't me, would I?"
"You got me there. But you still haven't shown me the type of ID the law requires."
"Allright," I said. I put the picture down of Edna's desk. Then with both hands I reached into the pockets of my coat and pulled out two bronzed baby shoes. I put the shoes on Edna's desk, pointed at the picture and said, "I'm wearing those shoes."
Edna looked at me sadly. "We could always scan the microchip inside your head."
"No. No need to pull out all that equipment," I said. "I got one more thing." I reached behind and from up under my sweatshirt grabbed the dental X-Ray records scotch-taped to my back. I pulled them free and held them up under my chin and I smiled.
"All right, that works," said Edna. "Sign right here on this sheet Mr. Tamsula. And here's your ballot."
"Whew," I said. "I almost became a disenfranchised voter. We can't have that. Do I sign this?"
"Edna!" I said.
Edna looked up and smiled. "Well, well, if it isn't The World Greatest Psychic. Long time no see, Alex. How are you?"
"I'm doing great, Edna. How about you?"
"Good. Here to vote, I see."
"You bet."
"May I see some identification?"
I reached around to my back pocket, pulled out my wallet and took out my debit card. I showed it too her. "It's got my name on it," I said.
Edna frowned. "Sorry Alex, but that's not a valid ID. You could have stolen it. Do you have something else?"
"We went to high school together."
"I know but I don't make the rules. I have to ask for ID but you don't have to show me one if you don't want to if that make any sense."
"Perfect sense. I'm all for honest elections."
"Good. So how about a driver's license?"
"I rode in on a mule." I put my debit card back into the wallet and took out my Giant Eagle Advantage card. I showed that to Edna.
"Sorry. That doesn't even have your name on it. Besides you could have stolen that too."
Miffed I put the Advantage card away. After returning the wallet to my back pocket I reached into my coat's inner pocket and took out the lease to my apartment and unfolded it. The document was signed at the bottom and I held it infront of her.
"My signature is on it," I said.
"That's good. And now all I have to do is confirm that signature is yours. May I see some identification?"
"Okay, let's try this," I said. I put my lease back inside my coat pocket and again reached back for my wallet. I opened it, took out a baby picture of me on a fuzzy rug and held the picture to the side of my face. "What do you think?"
"You carry a baby picture of yourself?" said Edna.
"Wouldn't carry a picture of myself if it wasn't me, would I?"
"You got me there. But you still haven't shown me the type of ID the law requires."
"Allright," I said. I put the picture down of Edna's desk. Then with both hands I reached into the pockets of my coat and pulled out two bronzed baby shoes. I put the shoes on Edna's desk, pointed at the picture and said, "I'm wearing those shoes."
Edna looked at me sadly. "We could always scan the microchip inside your head."
"No. No need to pull out all that equipment," I said. "I got one more thing." I reached behind and from up under my sweatshirt grabbed the dental X-Ray records scotch-taped to my back. I pulled them free and held them up under my chin and I smiled.
"All right, that works," said Edna. "Sign right here on this sheet Mr. Tamsula. And here's your ballot."
"Whew," I said. "I almost became a disenfranchised voter. We can't have that. Do I sign this?"
"No, Alex. That would kind of defeat the purpose of a secret ballot. Just stick it in the scanner and have a nice day."
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