In my dream I'm standing on a New York City subway platform.

DateCreated	1/16/2009 8:47:00 PM
PostedDate	1/17/2009 6:39:00 AM

I was holding a cigarette and I didn't have a light.  Now there was this guy with his back to me.  So I walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey buddy. Got a light?" 

He turned around and Oh My God it was New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  He looked a my cigarette, looked at my face then proceeded to beat me the shit out of me.  He knocked me to the ground then he did that thing where he points at his eyes with two fingers and points at me with one.  He did this back and forth until his subway car pulled up.  He sneered at me, got on, the doors closed behind him and off he went.

I got up and dusted myself off.  Holy cow, I thought.  No wonder he got elected mayor.  So I saw this other guy with his back to me.  I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey buddy.   "Got a light?"

He turned around and Oh My God it's Bill Gates.  He looked a my cigarette, looked at my face then hit me with his Mind-Ray and I died a thousand deaths, skydiving without a parachute and being sacrificed at the foot of a volcano where just two among many.  When he had his fill of inflicting the tortures of the damned he turned and walked away.  I got up, dusted myself off and thought, No wonder Microsoft is on my computer.

"Hey buddy. Got a light?"

About a month before 9/11 I ran into Lex Doom

DateCreated	12/19/2008 6:21:00 PM
PostedDate	12/19/2008 6:16:00 PM

I was outside The Post Office and it was the first time I'd seen him in years.  Through mutal friends he'd heard about my first short-story sale, a mystery story to Woman's World Weekly.  I made 500 bucks.  I also mentioned to him I was having some problem with the car; super-genius that he is, he offered to fix it for me.

I didn't take him up on it.  I didn't feel like getting pulled back into the fold just yet.

Thank goodness.

Chuck Palahniuk

DateCreated	12/18/2008 11:00:00 AM
PostedDate	12/18/2008 10:56:00 AM

About six months ago I was going through my MySpace friends, clearing out the no photos and 'x-ed' out profiles and to my surprise I noticed I couldn't find Chuck Palahniuk's profile.  I was crushed.  I was sure Mr. Palahniuk dropped me as a friend.  I even did a blog post where I complained to Larry David about it. (I didn't know whom else to complain to.)

Well today I was doing a little MySpace house cleaning again and to my surprise I find Mr. Palahniuk's picture.  So I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to Mr. Palahniuk for this inaccuracy and say I'm so glad you're still my friend because typing Palahniuk this many times has made me a better typist.

The Mating Dance of The Japanese Beetle

As he stood to the left of the movie screen the entomology professor said, “The Mating Dance of The Japanese Beetle is fraught with peril.  Roll the film please.”

A teacher’s aide turned off all the lights then turned on a 16mm projector.  On the screen a gray numbered countdown as the projector went wrrrr.

“First we see a concrete block wall,” said the professor, “and before it we see a swarm of fleas.  Next, the camera tilts down and we are looking at a concrete floor and near the bottom of the screen, as the camera zooms in, we see a female grooming.

"She has the two chitinous covers on her wings pulled open, the edges of her wings sticking out the back so she can preen with her rear legs.  Kind of the Japanese Beetle equivalent of The Tramp Stamp, ha ha ha." 

Female students in the classroom began to squirm in their seats, one or two thinking of their own.

“Now up and to the left of our languid female we see a Japanese beetle going in circles, it seems endlessly.  He has to be the male, right?

“At this point the camera pans left and we see another female in the process of grooming and up and to her left we see another male beetle.

“Sadly in this case the poor little guy ended up on his back with legs frantically spearing the air.  If he’s lying on his wings he can’t fly.  The Mating Dance of The Japanese Beetle is fraught with peril!

“The camera goes back to our first Japanese beetle couple, the one with the male going in circles and whoops he just flipped on his back too.

“Now from the top of the screen we see a Japanese beetle scuttling down the concrete towards our first two with a black ant clinging to a back leg.

“Did he accomplish what the male beetle going in circles failed to do, which is buy dinner for the little tart beetle nonchalantly showing her bum?

“And at this moment a whole swarm of Japanese beetles lands on the concrete and takes a bad bounce and they all end up on their backs with legs kicking.

“Now the camera pans up to the left and we see a small army of black ants all over three Japanese beetles, on their backs getting eaten alive.

“It’s not looking good for the home team.

“Then the Japanese beetle with the ant stuck to his back leg rights himself, spreads his wing and flies up ten feet.  He drops that ant to his death.

“Yaaaaaaaa … !

            The Mating Dance of The Japanese Beetle.  Pages 49 to 100 in your textbooks.  Class dismissed.  Turn that projector please.”

            
           After the classroom emptied the professor said, “The fleas.  What about the swarm of fleas … ?”